…Hey. I don’t know how much of this I should be saying, but my suicidal depression has kinda kicked in again. I’m currently sitting in bed, feeling sick to my stomach, trying not to hate myself. Kinda par for the course. Depression sucks.
I don’t intend to kill myself, incidentally. If nothing else, it would really upset my wife, and I absolutely don’t want to leave her in the lurch, since she is the one who is absolutely the most supportive of me. And I don’t want to hurt my kids like that. But that doesn’t really help me feel any better. Y’know?
How do I put this? If I try to be objective about it, I have expectations for myself, which are a reflection of what I believe other people expect of me; I cannot currently meet those expectations, which is painful, and I can’t see myself being able to meet those expectations in the future. And so, when people I nominally respect take actions or say things that highlight how I am letting them, and myself, down, it weighs on me quite a bit. I didn’t realize, but that kind of stuff was building up inside of me, and tonight I finally realized that I was in a really bad place.
I’m not really talking about missing a chapter deadline, although that doesn’t help, but the other circumstances of my life.
On good days, I can focus on the things I can do, such as taking care of my kids, and supporting my wife… but positivity is difficult to maintain sometimes.
I am taking an antidepressant right now, and I think it’s helpful, or at least stabilizing, but it’s not like there’s a heads up display to tell me if it really is. I used to get counselling as well, but… I had to cancel a couple appointments, and the counselor never contacted me back, so I just stopped going. I was going to get evaluated at a different place, but I had the wrong date, and the place never sent me a reminder, but still charged me a fifty dollar missed appointment fee, which kinda destroyed any faith I might have in them.
I bring it up because I really should be talking to someone, but I really don’t trust counselors anymore… Catch-22, right? So I’m just dumping my feelings on you guys. Sorry about that.
Anyway, I’m going to take some time to work through this, so I won’t be holding myself to any sort of production schedule or deadlines until I’m in better shape. The bad news is I won’t be getting Anubai finished any time soon. Sorry, my mental health has to take priority. I don’t want to self-destruct any more than I have to.
…You know what pisses me off the most? Some people can channel negative feelings into their writing (my wife, for example, writes free-form poetry when she’s upset) but it just absolutely chokes my ability to express anything. It took me nearly an hour to write this post. I can’t be a suffering artist, because suffering absolutely destroys my ability to create my art. Man, I’m just completely useless…
…Ok, enough venting. I do have the last three episodes of my Let’s Play of the Evil Within edited and ready to post, so I’ll try to upload those within the next few days. No one has watched them so far, but I’m going to keep telling myself that I was only doing them for the experience and write it off. Anyway.
Other than that… yeah, I don’t know when I’ll be back. I’ll keep checking in, probably on Sundays, just to prove I’m still around. But yeah. Hang in there, me. You’ve got a story or two to finish, right?