…I might be going dark for a while.

~ Dark Jackel

…Hey. I don’t know how much of this I should be saying, but my suicidal depression has kinda kicked in again. I’m currently sitting in bed, feeling sick to my stomach, trying not to hate myself. Kinda par for the course. Depression sucks.

I don’t intend to kill myself, incidentally. If nothing else, it would really upset my wife, and I absolutely don’t want to leave her in the lurch, since she is the one who is absolutely the most supportive of me. And I don’t want to hurt my kids like that. But that doesn’t really help me feel any better. Y’know?

How do I put this? If I try to be objective about it, I have expectations for myself, which are a reflection of what I believe other people expect of me; I cannot currently meet those expectations, which is painful, and I can’t see myself being able to meet those expectations in the future. And so, when people I nominally respect take actions or say things that highlight how I am letting them, and myself, down, it weighs on me quite a bit. I didn’t realize, but that kind of stuff was building up inside of me, and tonight I finally realized that I was in a really bad place.

I’m not really talking about missing a chapter deadline, although that doesn’t help, but the other circumstances of my life.

On good days, I can focus on the things I can do, such as taking care of my kids, and supporting my wife… but positivity is difficult to maintain sometimes.

I am taking an antidepressant right now, and I think it’s helpful, or at least stabilizing, but it’s not like there’s a heads up display to tell me if it really is. I used to get counselling as well, but… I had to cancel a couple appointments, and the counselor never contacted me back, so I just stopped going. I was going to get evaluated at a different place, but I had the wrong date, and the place never sent me a reminder, but still charged me a fifty dollar missed appointment fee, which kinda destroyed any faith I might have in them.

I bring it up because I really should be talking to someone, but I really don’t trust counselors anymore… Catch-22, right? So I’m just dumping my feelings on you guys. Sorry about that.

Anyway, I’m going to take some time to work through this, so I won’t be holding myself to any sort of production schedule or deadlines until I’m in better shape. The bad news is I won’t be getting Anubai finished any time soon. Sorry, my mental health has to take priority. I don’t want to self-destruct any more than I have to.

…You know what pisses me off the most? Some people can channel negative feelings into their writing (my wife, for example, writes free-form poetry when she’s upset) but it just absolutely chokes my ability to express anything. It took me nearly an hour to write this post. I can’t be a suffering artist, because suffering absolutely destroys my ability to create my art. Man, I’m just completely useless… :\

…Ok, enough venting. I do have the last three episodes of my Let’s Play of the Evil Within edited and ready to post, so I’ll try to upload those within the next few days. No one has watched them so far, but I’m going to keep telling myself that I was only doing them for the experience and write it off. Anyway.

Other than that… yeah, I don’t know when I’ll be back. I’ll keep checking in, probably on Sundays, just to prove I’m still around. But yeah. Hang in there, me. You’ve got a story or two to finish, right? :\

10 thoughts on “…I might be going dark for a while.”

  1. expectations are a dangerous thing. on one hand they can drive u to do better, on another, theyll crush any motivation u have. perhaps its unfair to your wife and kids, but in times like these, they are they only ppl u can truly rely on. im glad your attachment to your family is strong. and hopefully your wife doesnt feel too much pressure in her life either.
    positivity is fine and all, but in the face of reality, the instinct of any living being and perhaps the correct solution is to escape. i dont personally believe death is the corrext exit, and im too much of an absolute pussy to do it. so perhaps i got a bit out of my way for other means of escape. luckily, anime ans games and food arent alcohol overuse and drug overdose. tho, casual drinking has been fairly helpful tbh. i cant pretend to offer advice, but if somehow talking to me or simply listening about my life or what not, u know my discord. i hope you find your escape. and even more so, i hope that your responsibility as a parent and husband, your dreams as a human being, can separate themselves from the expectations thrust upon you. i wish u peace and comfort, hopefully not in death, but in life and love.

    Sappy IcedT

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

        1. im 100% willing to connect irl, meet up, anything of any sort. however distant it seems, weve had this connection for 3-4 years now. i see no reason to disregard it now.

          Liked by 1 person

          Reply

  2. Dude, I can’t “like” on this post because of the contents. I honestly hope you get better soon. I’m sorry that you lost faith in counseling. And to be honest, I don’t blame you. Remember when you thought chapter three of TOG was dark because it was around the time my dad died? It wasn’t the case, but maybe doing some private writing will help you get through this? Something similar to a journal to vent out with?

    I’m not good with psychology, I’ve actually thought about suicide in the past. But I always ended up not doing it because I know it would leave a bigger mess for those left behind. I never cut or burned myself on purpose because I was scared of the pain. And I knew putting myself through pain would cause those around me to be in pain. My friends who ended up doing things like cutting themselves called me strong for not doing it, but I always thought the opposite. Hell, I thought about putting a bullet in my skull because of that one tooth issue I had last fall. It was the same one that stopped me from live streaming back in November. But again, thinking about what would happen afterwards stopped me from doing it.

    My point is that I somewhat understand how you feel. And even though it’s not much, I’ll hold you in my prayers. I think of you as one of my best friends in the online novel community. I won’t co-op on novels with just anyone.

    In case you’re interested, I plan on getting back to streaming Fallout 4 this week. If you’re not around at all, I understand.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

        1. id rather meet up to drink at a bar tbh. seems wayyy more fun.
          depression is such a complicated thing. just cause i know i have supporting friends doesnt always stop me from getting too far into my own head. ive so far been able to find things that pull me out. i dunno how much our support will help, but im glad that there are others out there willing to give others the time of day, even on the internet. support is all we can give.

          Liked by 2 people

          Reply

  3. I don’t trust counselors either. In fact, I don’t know why anyone trusts them. But writing online is a great way to cure depression. Shitposting is something I approve of if you’re depressed. I don’t think venting like this is very selfish, it’s just something you impose on yourself. You think you are selfish, so you are depressed that others probably think you’re selfish. But no, most people don’t care. If you genuinely need to be selfish, people won’t care, because that is something you need to do. So, be selfish all you want. Believe that you are what you are, and people can’t change that. Sure, it might not be very… convenient in real life, but a good way to cure depression.
    Another way is to look forwards, and know that there will be other ways to meet this expectation, and to always remind yourself that you are always learning. (Even if you have to brainwash yourself.) To think better of yourself than you actually are is a great way to cure depression.
    Counselors give shit advice.
    All in all, what I want to say is that to cure depression, just do what the hell you want. Think of yourself first, and if you think someone else is wrong, don’t listen to them. (Or tell them, alternatively.)
    Depression is shit, but counselors are shittier.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

Leave a comment